Questionable Tactics
by Stella-neko
Summary: Some things are worth fighting for. Others justify the use of any means necessary. Oneshot, comedy.


Disclaimer: The RK universe & characters belong to Watsuki, et. al. I'm just having fun torturing them for a bit.

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The air didn't smell right. Yahiko continued to sniff suspiciously as he walked through the dojo, trying to identify the source of the unfamiliar smell. His stomach was growling, but it had growled in the past for smells that turned out to be Kaoru's cooking, so he didn't really trust it. He paled when he realized that it was, indeed, coming from the kitchen and he cautiously stepped in the room.

To his surprise, the kitchen was empty. Yahiko caught sight of a large platter on the counter piled with round objects, each dripping witha thick, pink liquid. His memory suddenly caught up with him, of enjoying a new type of sugary treat at Tae's restaurant that she called a 'cookie'. He decided that he liked the smell of the air, now that he knew what it was.

'Wow,' Yahiko thought ruefully, 'I didn't know food came in that color!' The frosting's pink color looked very familiar, and Yahiko realized with a start that it matched Kenshin's gi. He figured that Tae had taught Kenshin how to make them, but wished she would have insisted that he use the same blue she used, instead of an obscene pink.

Yahiko looked around at the empty kitchen and wondered where the others were. The delicious aroma would draw in Sano and Kaoru at any time, and a fight would probably ensue.

'Honestly!' Yahiko thought in disgust. He shouldn't have to jump on Sano and gnaw on his head to keep his food. Sano was old enough to be considered an adult, and more importantly, he didn't wash his hair nearly often enough.

Kaoru though…she was the greater opponent for sweet treats. She already had an unfair advantage since Kenshin usually gave her the best portions. Sometimes she would stretch that advantage further by weaseling some of Kenshin's portion for herself. Yahiko didn't understand why Kenshin always let her do it. Sure, he enjoyed seeing Tsubame smile shyly when he did something nice for her, but a man had to have priorities. Dessert was war – every man for himself.

Yahiko suddenly shook his head and mentally berated himself for wasting time thinking when he was alone with a plate of fresh cookies. He raced over the plate and snatched up a cookie in the split second before something smashed into him. Yahiko tumbled to the floor and barely kept his grip on the precious cookie. Once assured of its safety, he finally noticed that Kaoru was also on the floor. He guessed that she had been making a dash, similar to his, for the plate.

She blinked at him in surprise, before narrowing her gaze on the cookie in his grasp. Yahiko gulped in fear for his cookie's life. He recognized that look she was giving him -- she intended to steal it.Yahiko decided his chances of keeping the cookie were better if he went on the offense.

"Watch where you're going, busu!" He yelled angrily while shoving away from her. Maybe she'd get too angry about being called names to think clearly about getting his cookie…

"Maybe if you weren't so small, Yahiko-CHAN, I would have noticed you," she retorted.

"Don't call me Yahiko-chan," he snapped back, as they settled into the usual routine of verbal insults. It wasn't until the fight had progressed to Kaoru holding him in a headlock that she remembered the real reason they were fighting.

As Kaoru reached to steal his cookie, Yahiko desperately shot out, "You're getting fat from eating so much sugar." The second the words left his mouth, his eyes widened in horror at what he'd said. The statement was clearly not true, with all the exercise Kaoru got from teaching the Kamiya Kasshin style of sword fighting, but Kaoru was sensitive about her appearance. Yahiko really didn't understand why, but calling her ugly made her mad and fat made her cry.

The last time he'd accidentally hurt her feelings, his initial guilt over the incident had been bad enough, but Kenshin's silent disapproval had made his guilt almost unbearable. Yahiko hoped he'd never be the cause of a woman's tears ever again.

Kaoru froze, with her fingers hanging in the air a mere inch away from his cookie, before she released him abruptly. Yahiko watched her fearfully as she slowly rose from the floor and dusted off her clothing. As she continued to stare at him in shock, Yahiko babbled, "I'm sorry, Kaoru! I, I didn't mean it. Please don't get upset. You really aren't fat."

His stream of apologies seemed to have mollified her, for a few seconds later a sneaky smile appeared on her face. Kaoru abruptly grabbed the plate with the rest of the cookies and announced, "If that's true, then these are mine."

Yahiko's eyes widened. He hadn't expected her to declare that! After his verbal mistake, any rebuttal about the size of her dessert portion could be intentionally misconstrued as calling her fat. Kaoru was smart enough to know that his apologieshad beensincere, but sweets made her devious enough that she might resort to fake tears. If Kenshin chose that moment to step in, the results would be disastrous. Kaoru would get to keep all the cookies and be pampered, while Yahiko would be lucky to keep the somewhat smashed cookie in his hand. Kenshin would probably guilt-trip him into doing extra chores for Kaoru as well, Yahiko thought ruefully.

It was time to switch tactics. Yahiko slowly stood up and subtly slipped his cookie into a kitchen drawer behind him for safekeeping. As Kaoru grinned victoriously at him and shoved a cookie into her mouth, Yahiko focused his attention on the doorway behind her. "Hi, Kenshin," he cheerfully called out.

Kaoru stiffened in horror and practically dropped the plate back on the counter. She frantically brushed the unsightly crumbs off her clothing and chin before whirling around to face the doorway with a huge smile.

Yahiko took advantage of her distraction. He grabbed the plate of cookies and started running before she had time to realize he had tricked her. He almost made it to the front porch before she caught up with him.

"These are mine!" Kaoru fumed, snatching the plate away from his grasp.

Running out of options, Yahiko quickly retorted, "Nuh-uh! At least one of those is mine! My thumbprint is in the frosting."

Kaoru glared at him suspiciously before glancing down at the plate. A cookie near the edge held the proof in its smeared topping. She haughtily announced, "Fine. That rule also applies to my thumbprint," and proceeded to smear a thumb through the frosting on every singlecookie.

Yahiko stared at the plate in horror, before upping the ante. He grabbed the edge of the plate, snatched up one of Kaoru's cookies, and licked the back of it before setting it back down on the plate.

"My claim is stronger," he retorted smugly.

Kaoru gave the cookie an appalled look, but she wasn't going to back down now. She grabbed a cookie, licked the back of it, and triumphantly plopped it down. The two glared at each other over the plate for a second before the race started to lick each of the remaining cookies.

In the ensuing madness, their frosting-coated fingers lost grip of the plate and ittumbled to the floor. All of the cookies broke into pieces on the ground, except for a single one that was stillin Kaoru's clutches. Yahiko immediately dived for it and they both ended up on the ground for the second time that day.

Both of them were too preoccupied with the remaining cookie to notice when a spiky-haired fighter sauntered into the room. He noticed the scattered cookies on the floor and gleefully started shoving them into his mouth. After all of theobvious pieces were gone, he wandered over to the wrestling occupants of the room and casually plucked the last cookie from Kaoru's grasp.

"Sano!" Kaoru and Yahiko screamed simultaneously as they jumped up, but it was too late. The cookie was already gone.

"Those were tasty," Sano replied happily.

"What do you mean 'those'? You only had one," Kaoru said, blinking. She finally noticed that allthe other cookieswere gone and looked back at Sano in horror. "You ate them off the floor?" She asked in disbelief.

"Meh, ten second rule," Sano shrugged.

"That was a lot longer than 10 seconds," Yahiko said doubtfully.

Sano just smiled and said, "Close enough. Besides, a few floor-pickings stuck in the frosting make them nice and crunchy."

Yahiko and Kaoru sweat-dropped and slowly backed away from Sano. As Kaoru started complaining about the loss of the cookies, Yahiko finally remembered the one he had stashed in the kitchen drawer and he grinned.

Unfortunately for him, Kaoru noticed it and glared at him suspiciously. He wasn't as mad at Sano as he should have been, she realized slowly, and could only come up with one reason for it. Yahiko had a cookie earlier, but she didn't recall seeing him actually eat it.

"There's still one left," she gasped out, and abruptly dashed for the kitchen to look for it. Sano followed in pursuit,with Yahikofirmly attached to his head.

"You could have saved some of the frosting-side-up pieces for me,"Yahiko growled at Sano. Quickly losing hope for recovering his cookie when both Kaoru and Sano were hunting for it,heresorted to gnawing onSano's head again.

Out on the back porch, Kenshin sighed at the yells and clattering in the kitchen before leaning back and closing his eyes again. It was too nice of a day outside to deal with their fight. It'd be easier to break it up after they had time to burn off some energy. Hopefully, some of the kitchen would survive.

While he waited, Kenshin blindly groped under the porch for the box he secretly stored there. He took out a beautifully-frosted cookie, sans thumbprints, licks, and floor-pickings,and happily crunched on it while contemplating the benefits of bringing a few of the remaining ones to Kaoru later that evening.

He winced at the sound of something shattering on the kitchen floor before changing his mind about sharing any moreof the cookies. After all, dessert WAS war. While Yahiko believed Kaoru was the ultimate tactician for portions of sugary treats, his friends were always too busy fighting over the portions on the table to check what portions really came out of the oven. He carefully re-hid his box of cookies, wiped off the tell-tale crumbs, and wandered into the kitchen with an innocent expression.

The end

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I'm sad to say that I've been guilty of fighting over food with my siblings in this manner. It's probably even worse when we poke or lick food to claim it from each other now that we're adults :)

Thank you for reading, and please feel free to leave comments or critiques!


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